QMS News: Breaking (Bad) News

A few of the short short stories I included in Quarantine Monster Shorts were inspired by some of the weirder news stories of 2020 where I gave supernatural/paranormal/ridiculous reasons for them happening. I decided to share a brief explanation of those news stories in case you forgot. Here is the fifth one. Enjoy!

 Another 2020 story that I would've never seen coming (2020 you wily bitch): Meth Gators.

Police were concerned (reports vary at how sincere the concern was) that flushing meth down the toilet could lead to alligators eating it downstream. I can see why a methed-out gator would be a serious issue considering how unpredictable and aggressive they can be when sober.

Picture from USA Today

But think of how clean the swamps would be.

Look for "It's Not Meth" in Quarantine Monster Shorts, coming October 2021

QMS News: We all need some change

 A few of the short short stories I included in Quarantine Monster Shorts were inspired by some of the weirder news stories of 2020 where I gave supernatural/paranormal/ridiculous reasons for them happening. I decided to share a brief explanation of those news stories in case you forgot. Here is the fourth one. Enjoy!

The first sign that anything was amiss with the Department of the Treasury was an actual sign at my local grocery store. 

It said something about not giving out extra change, please pay with a card or exact change, no quarters, etc. Then I started seeing them everywhere: drive thru windows, restaurant Facebook pages, and my apartment office. I even heard some places were giving discounts if people paid in change so they could replenish their supply.

Who had coin shortage on their pandemic bingo card, because I absolutely did not see it coming.

I asked the gal at customer service at Hy-Vee (midwest grocery store chain) what was going on and she said she had been told that a couple of the mints closed with the lockdown and supply chain issues was causing the Dept. of Treasure (they really missed out on an opportunity there) was struggling to make enough coins to meet the demand. The teller at my bank said basically the same thing.

Thankfully, I had a small supply of quarters and I spent most of the lockdown wearing the same four pieces of clothing so I didn't have any issues. In fact, I ran out of quarters shortly after coins came back so I got two rolls of shiny new 2020 quarters.

Shiny new 2020 quarters celebrating the
Salt River Bay in the U.S. Virgin Islands

One is going in my pandemic scrapbook... if I had a pandemic scrapbook. I think at this point it's just a dusty old shoebox that I will sage and burn once the nightmare ends.

Look for "Coins" in Quarantine Monster Shorts coming October 2021.

QMS News: Mystery Seeds

A few of the short short stories I included in Quarantine Monster Shorts were inspired by some of the weirder news stories of 2020 where I gave supernatural/paranormal/ridiculous reasons for them happening. I decided to share a brief explanation of those news stories in case you forgot. Here is the third one. Enjoy!

I was going to think of something witty for the title but there's something so ominous about "mystery seeds" that I gave up.

In July, people all over the world started receiving packages in the mail that were usually labeled as containing jewelry, but actually held some seeds. Most people chalked it up to a one-off mistake and tossed them until a gardener in England asked a gardening group on Facebook about it and then the news exploded around the globe.

The seeds were traced back to China and after Covid tracing back there also, the panic and conspiracy theories ran amuck. People were convinced the seeds were actually bio-weapons to finish what Covid started, or some sort of spy device.

After investigating, the US government concluded that they were just seeds, but advised people to not plant them or throw them away. Rather, they should burn them, but that was primarily to prevent a rash of invasive species from popping up all over.

Was I the only one kind of hoping this was their one chance of growing a whole army of Audrey IIs?

Picture from WikiSciFi.

Look for "Feed Us" in Quarantine Monster Shorts coming October, 2021.

QMS News: Departure of Royals

 A few of the short short stories I included in Quarantine Monster Shorts were inspired by some of the weirder news stories of 2020 where I gave supernatural/paranormal/ridiculous reasons for them happening. I decided to share a brief explanation of those news stories in case you forgot. Here is the second one. Enjoy!

One of the longest lasting news stories of 2020 and into 2021 was Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan stepping down from their duties as senior royals and moving to Canada, then the US.

I followed the story closer than I follow many news stories in the US for reasons I can't really explain. Could be, like many Americans, I am simply fascinated by the royal family, or because of an inherited case of raging Anglophilia (Britanophilia?) - thanks, Mom - but whenever the British monarchy shows up on the news, my attention immediately shifts to that.

Of course there are a ton of speculation over the departure, even with Harry and Meghan's infamous Oprah interview. Vitriol and rancor was thrown at the couple from both sides of the pond but with the royal family being one of the most closed-mouthed institutions in the world, we will probably never know the whole truth.

But I have a theory of my own:

It was werewolves.

Still from Doctor Who "Tooth and Claw" ep 2, series 2.
Picture found on Warped Factor blog.

Look for "Royal Pack" in Quarantine Monster Shorts coming October 2021.

QMS News: So Close

A few of the short short stories I included in Quarantine Monster Shorts were inspired by some of the weirder news stories of 2020 where I gave supernatural/paranormal/ridiculous reasons for them happening. I decided to share a brief explanation of those news stories in case you forgot. Here is the first one. Enjoy!

Not only did 2020 bring about the breakdown of global civilization (temporarily, don't worry), it also brought the almost-death of Earth itself.

And by "almost," I mean not really close at all.

In August, ZTF0DxQ (now relabeled as 2020 QG), an asteroid the size of a truck/school bus, broke the record for flying the closest to Earth while resisting the desire to smash into it, ending all life... ok it wasn't actually big enough to be a global killer but it definitely would've caused all sorts of problems.

Thankfully, the asteroid decided to keep flying, leaving the third rock from the sun no worse for the wear.

It came at us from the direction of the sun so we didn't actually know about it until six hours later when it was well past us. Sorry Michael Bay, there is a very real possibility that we wouldn't have the time to train oil drillers to be astronauts in order to drill a nuclear bomb hole on the asteroid to blow up the rock and save us all. 

Get off... the nuclear... warhead.

We might not even see it coming. 

Look for "Space Songs" in Quarantine Monster Shorts coming October 2021.

Cover Reveal: Quarantine Monster Shorts

Cover reveal!

2020 was a dumpsterfire for humans but what were the monsters doing while the humans were locked up?

And those weird things that kept happening? Did you know most had a supernatural reason?

Find out exactly was was going on last year. Check out my newest book, Quarantine Monster Shorts, out October 2021.

Know Your Weaponry: Poisons Presentation

This is the presentation I did on poisons for the Nebraska Writers Guild Spring 2021 virtual conference.

Welcome to Know Your Weaponry: Poisons edition. Poisons are a VAST topic, which I learned during my research so I can’t cover all of them but I tried to hit the really popular and interesting ones for a more in-depth look.

• Educational purposes only: please don’t start growing belladonna for the purpose of ridding your life of an annoying relative or coworker. Fictional victims only!
• Graphic: While I don’t have any graphic pictures, I am going to talk about what these poisons do to the body so if you are a little squeamish, you might want to fast-forward through those parts or move on to the next class.

What is this all about? Poisons, obviously. We’re going to talk about the sources and some of the history behind them, symptoms and how they kill, some of the famous people who used them, and if they leave behind any trace evidence. All things an author will need to know if you want to use them in your stories. Poison might be called the “women’s weapon” but majority of poison users throughout history were men, you just hear about the women poisoners because their stories tend to be more sensationalized. Late 18^th-Early 20^th centuries are considered the golden age of poisoners. The rise of forensic toxicology is what brought about its end

• So why is this important to authors?
• Adds authenticity and reputability to your writing
• Creative ways to kill (your characters) like I said before Fictional victims only!

• Source & History: naturally occurring element that isn’t super dangerous until it is chemically altered into white arsenic
• Paris Green: used as a dye for wallpaper, clothing, and foods
• Beauty aids:
• Causes hair loss so it was used as a depilatory
• Dilates small capillaries in face giving people a healthy glow, dilates the pupils, thought it whitened the skin but chronic use actually had the opposite effect
• Medical:
• causes skin surface to die and slough off, great for psoriasis, bad for ulcers and eczema
• Used in lots of other medicines that it had no business in being in like medicine for stomach pain
• Symptoms: similar to food poisoning
• Stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, confusion, and thiamine deficiency resulting in racing hearts and tingling limbs
• Often misdiagnosed as influenza, cholera, heart disease, stomach cancer or other digestive ailments
• Tans/yellows the skin, white stripes show up in nails
• Can be inhaled, ingested, or injected
• Odorless, tasteless white power, looks like sugar or flour, easily added to foods
• How it kills: disrupts the production of ATP which is in charge of transporting energy throughout your cells, without the energy, your cells can’t do the processes that keep you alive. This can cause multi organ failure.
• Cure/antidote: there isn’t a specific cure or antidote for arsenic poisoning, you just have to stop the exposure and let your body flush it out.
• There has been some evidence that Vitamin E and selenium counteract the effects of arsenic poisoning but they’re still testing these
• Trace evidence? The short answer is YES
• Between 1752 and 1889- half of the arsenic deaths were murder, the rest were accidents and suicides. Because of its popularity as a murder weapon, scientists worked hard to develop many different tests to detect it in the body
• It breaks down slowly and can be found in the body decades later
• Slows natural decomp causing what scientists call “arsenic mummification”
• Acute poisoning: emaciated look of dehydration, and blue hands & feet because of lack of oxygen
• Chronic poisoning: yellow/browning of the skin, scaly patches
• Wrecked the stomach with bloody lesions, mucous membrane lining is swollen, yellowish with patches of scarlet, heart has loose bloodclots
• Plenty of signs that somebody was killed by arsenic poisoning
• Famous users (besides everybody?)
• The ‘de Medici family (15^th-18^th centuries) and the Borgia family (15^th-16^th centuries) Italy
• Borgias had a special arsenic mixture that was said to be far more potent than standard white arsenic called la cantarella. It was so dangerous that the recipe was destroyed so it couldn’t be used anymore.

• Invented by Giulia (Julia) Tofana, an apothecary in Italy the early 17^th Century
• What: it is made of a mixture of arsenic, lead, and belladonna
• A colorless and tasteless liquid so it could be easily mixed into drinks such as water or wine
• Disguised as a cosmetic or perfume
• Slow killer to mimic a progressive disease or other natural causes, similar to arsenic poisoning. They did it that way so the victims had time to update wills, repent, etc. It was administered in 4 doses.
• Dose 1: cold-like symptoms such as fatigue and weakness
• Dose 2: symptoms intensify
• Dose 3: vomiting, diarrhea, dehydration, & burning sensation in digestive system (like heartburn but so much worse)
• Dose 4: death
• Antidote: vinegar and lemon juice. Did the antidote work? We have no idea. Going off what I know of arsenic, lead, and belladonna, probably not.
• Giulia Tofana was the most famous user in addition to the inventor. She sold it primarily to women to take care of abusive husbands, estimated 600 deaths. Arrested but many of her patrons were high ranking women who knew if she was questioned ie. tortured, their names would come out so they managed to get the charges against her dismissed and she kind of disappeared from the pages of history.
• Trace evidence? We don’t actually know because the recipe has been lost but since it is made with arsenic, lead, and belladonna – all of which leaves trace evidence – it’s safe to say modern forensic testing would be able to find it. At the time of use though, there was no way to detect it.

• Naturally occurring: yew tree leaves, cherry laurel flowers, peach and apricot pits, bitter almonds, millipedes, cyanobacteria, blue-green algae, and other plants
• History:
• Reference to “death by peach” in ancient Egypt has lead historians to believe that ancient Egyptians knew how to distill cyanide from peach pits and used it as a form of execution
• Heinrich Diesbach, artist invent pigment Berlin/Prussian Blue by mixing potash (potassium carbonate) and green vitriol (iron sulfate) together making a deep violet-blue color. 80 years later a Swedish chemist mixed Prussian Blue with an acid solution and made hydrogen cyanide which could be chemically treated to produce powdery, white, poisonous salts known as potassium cyanide or sodium cyanide.
• Comes in liquid, powder, and gas (ingested or inhaled)
• Other uses
• Hydrogen Cyanide: pesticides, explosives, engraving and tempering steel, as a disinfecting agent, creating colorful dyes, and making nylon
• Sodium Cyanide: used in mining to etch away useless rock and get to the gold inside
• Potassium Cyanide: used in mining, photography, electroplating, and metal polishing (cook didn’t completely rinse out a pot after polishing it and killed somebody)
• Symptoms: weakness, nausea, bloody froth in mouths, blue faces from lack of oxygen, bruising, discoloration, twisted by convulsions
• Effectiveness: usually avoided by murderers because the poison’s signature is very obvious in victims as is the smell of almonds that lingers
• A small percentage of population can’t smell cyanide because of a genetic mutation, similar to how some people think cilantro tastes soapy
• Popular with suicides because of how quickly it kills, not instant (takes a few minutes depending on dose) but it is brutal
• Kills faster after being inhaled because blood picks it up quickly in the lungs and carries it throughout the body
• How it kills: “chemical suffocation,” shuts down body’s ability to carry/absorb oxygen, attaches to the hemoglobin in blood and quickly circulates thought out the body
• Antidote/Cure: activated charcoal (ingested) or cyanide antidote kit (amyl nitrate, sodium nitrite, and sodium thiosulfate)
• Trace evidence
• Besides the obvious state of cyanide victims, trace amounts can be found in the body long after death and decay begins
• Famous cases: Fremont & Annie Jackson gassed in NYC @ the Hotel Margaret in 1922 (cyanide gas), Chicago Tylenol murders in 1982 (potassium cyanide)- 7 deaths and many more in following copycat crimes
• Early murder by mail: laced chocolates sent to step son, a fired clerk sent poisoned candies to the woman who replaced her, laced tonic to the Knickerbocker Athletic Club’s director
• “Poisoners were hard to catch and even harder to convict” –Poisoner’s Handbook
• If you want a really showy poison death, Cyanide is for you

• History and Source: Made from the seeds of the Strychnine tree, in fact, all parts of the tree are poisonous.
• Native to India and South East Asia
• Was used during Medieval times for pest control
• Original medical use was to “shock” paralyzed patients out of paralysis because of it causes convulsions, sometimes it helped, more often it didn’t
• Delivery:
• Dissolves in liquid, colorless, bitter taste
• Ingested, inhaled, absorbed through the eyes and mouth
• Symptoms
• In small doses it increases energy, used as a short-term stimulant (like caffeine)
• In larger or chronic doses: causes severe, painful muscle spasms
• How it kills: only takes 5 milligrams to kill
• Prevents effective operation of glycine which is a chemical that sends nerve signals to muscles
• Death by asphyxiation or sheer exhaustion from convulsions
• Antidote
• Early supportive medical treatment like activated charcoal if it was ingested
• Curare: another poison but they affect the same nerve receptors, just in opposite ways so they counteract each other
• If a person makes it through the first 6-12 hours, they usually survive
• Leaves trace evidence
• American Olympian marathoner Thomas Hicks
• 1904 St. Louis Olympics were a mess for distance runners, no support stations until mile 11. Hicks was struggling so his trainers gave him a little boost in the form of a 1904’s energy drink: 1 milligram strychnine and egg whites. Then later, when dehydration was causing him to flounder, instead of giving him water, they gave him a cocktail of brandy and strychnine. He did survive somehow
• If you want a really showy poison death, Strychnine is another good option

• Source: beans from the Castor plant
• Beans look like fat ticks (hence the "ticking" timebomb title)
• Originated in SE Mediterranean basin, North Africa, and India, but now can be found all over the world. Popular plant to use in landscaping, cousin to poinsettia
• Castor oil
• Medicinal uses: skin ailments and as a purgative, can cause internal burns and painful diarrhea if too much is ingested
• WWI, needed something to stabilize engine lubricants from extreme temps and Castor oil did the job. Started growing the plant all over the Midwest, caused huge upswing in hay fever and allergies.
• Ricin as a poison was used thousands of years before medicinal uses. Found on spearheads
• Delivery & Symptoms
• Ingestion (eating the beans,)
• Within a few hours of ingestion: Nausea, bloody vomiting and diarrhea, liver and kidney failure, shock
•  Injected
• Muscle pain, tissue death at injection site, necrosis of lymph nodes, organ failure, vomiting
• Inhaled
• Doesn’t cause multi-system problems, just causes lung necrosis
• Cough and flu-like symptoms, hypotension, and death
• MUCH harder to kill somebody because it depends on particle size, smaller the particle the deeper inside they can get
• US is really worried about bio-terrorism using aerosol ricin
• How it kills: Attacks the ribosome, blocks protein synthesis which causes irreversible cell death
• 500 micrograms can kill a human, that is 1/10^th of an 1/8^th of a teaspoon (injection)
• 2-3 castor beans can kill, chewing and swallowing, swallowing them whole theoretically won’t hurt you (don’t recommend trying it)
• US experimented with using Ricin during WWI, coated bullets and shrapnel with it, claimed it would only be used in retaliation if the enemy did something similar. Banned it in the 1970s
• USSR kept developing ricin as a poison into the 1980s
• No cure, strictly supportive care
• US military is working on a vaccine just in case it is developed as a bio-weapon
• Trace- Yes and No
• Testing can be done for urinary ricinin in suspected ricin exposure
• There aren’t any common tests right now but there are a few different things that can be done to find it like DNA amplification and antibodies essays (I have no idea what these are, I found them on the CDC's website, please don't ask me)
• Assassination by umbrella- Georgi Markov, 1978
• A hollow pellet filled with ricin was shot from a modified umbrella into Markov’s leg, within a few hours he got sick with flu-like symptoms and died four days later, the pellet was discovered either on an X-Ray or during the autopsy. It was believed to be the work of the Bulgarian secret service with the assistance of the KGB
• The pellet was covered with a special wax that would slowly melt at body temperature, exposing the ricin to be carried out of the pellet into the body

• Source: element but doesn’t occur naturally (byproduct of lead and zinc smelting), burns a brilliant green (named from Greek word thallos for newly leafed plant, green in the spring sunlight)
• Symptoms- imitator, often mistaken for regular diseases like pneumonia or other conditions
• Nausea and vomiting, trembling, weakness, exhaustion, paralysis of legs, and difficulty breathing
• Gradual poisonings also have symptoms: depression or excitation, delirium, dementia, convulsions, coma
• Tasteless, odorless, colorless, dissolves in liquid
• Ingested or absorbed through the skin
• Causes hair loss and was used in many depilatory creams
• Was also a popular pesticide (rat poison)
• Kills: paralysis of central nervous system and/or respiratory failure
• Follows potassium pathways, disrupts cell metabolism and splinters chemical bonds
• Antidote: Prussian Blue (which was also a key ingredient in the development of cyanide)
• Trace evidence
• Doesn’t have signature internal damage, what damage it does cause can also be caused by any number of other poisons or illnesses
• Stays in the body for weeks or months after death so trace evidence is easily found
• Chemist’s poison because it imitates so many other things and it’s easy for a chemist to get a hold of, but the trace evidence sticks around a lot longer than many other poisons
• Australia’s Thallium Craze, early 1950s, due to mass urbanization and an explosion in the rat population, Thallium-based rat poison was available over the counter. It also brought about a rash of Thallium murders or attempted murders
• Agatha Christie- there are at least three cases where people who read the description of Thallium poisoning in Christie’s The Pale Horse that they were able to identify it in real life

• Sources
• Naturally occurring: produced by many kinds of seaweed and fungi
• Can be man-made by combining chlorinated lime with ethanol, mixing chlorine bleach with ethanol or acetone
• Symptoms: Giddiness, heaviness in limbs, numbness, buzzing in ears, and most well-known: unconsciousness
• Takes about 5-15 minutes to knock somebody out so those movies where somebody’s nose and mouth are covered for a few seconds before they fall unconscious are wrong
• Was used by burglars who would incapacitate their victims before robbing them
• Colorless liquid that has a sickly, sweet smell that can be ingested or inhaled
• Caustic: Can burn the skin
• If swallowed, it will burn the mouth, it also inflames mucus membranes in mouth, stomach, and intestines
• Sudden Sniffer’s Death: Unpredictable- small amounts can kill some while it takes large amounts to kill others  
• Used as an anesthetic during surgeries but the number of deaths it caused lead to its disuse
• Causes liver and kidney toxicity, heart arrhythmias, respiratory and heart failure, and is a possible carcinogen
• Darkens blood and causes it to gather in brain, lungs, liver, and kidneys
• Victims look jaundiced because of liver damage, alcoholics were usually among those who quickly died when chloroform was used as an anesthetic
• Famous cases
• Used quite often in mysteries like Sherlock Holmes and Nancy Drew
• Real life: Frederick Mors worked at the German Odd Fellows home in Yonkers, NY for foundlings and the elderly, killed at least 8 people in 1915
• William Rice, Texas millionaire who Rice University is named for was allegedly killed with chloroform by his valet and lawyer in 1900

There are hundreds (if not thousands) of poisons out there. These are the the additional ones that I considered for this presentation but eventually decided to not do for a variety of reasons. They're all interesting and worth more research if you're looking for ways to kill your characters. 

(FICTIONAL VICTIMS ONLY!!!)

• Unicorn Horn
• Drinking something from a vessel made from the horn will neutralize poisons and cure wounds
• Usually a narwhal horn since unicorns aren’t real, could also be horns of rhinos and oryx
• Mithridate
• Invented by King Mithridates VI in 1^st century BCE but no recipe exists
• Kitchen sink mixture of things including ginger, iris, cardamom, anise, frankincense, myrrh, and saffron all bound together by honey
• Bezoars
• Solid mass of undigested food, plant fibers, or hair found in the digestive tracts of animals
• Chip off part of the bezoar, put in whatever you think is poisoned, and it will absorb the poison
• Some tests have shown that they will absorb arsenic but there’s no real evidence indicating that it will save a person from being poisoned.
• Pearls
• Used in traditional Chinese medicine to treat various diseases
• Antidote in the middle ages
• Activated Charcoal “Super absorber”
• Single most widely-used cure for people (and animals) who have been poisoned
• Traps toxins and prevents them from being absorbed into your intestinal tract
• Absorbs medicine also
• Activated charcoal is getting popular to use in facemasks, cocktails, foods, ect. It does absorb medicines that you are taking for good so be careful if you are consuming it.
• Prussian Blue
• Antidote for Thallium poisoning
• Curare
• Counteracts Strychnine symptoms

• The Poisoner's Handbook is a fascinating book about poisons but it is also about the birth of forensic toxicology, Prohibition, and political corruption in NYC.
• Criminalia Season 1 is all about female poisoners and was my primary source for Aqua Tofana and helped point me in the right direction for many of the other poisons.
• This Podcast Will Kill You with In Defense of Plants was my primary source for Ricin.
• Healthline.com, Truecrimedaily.com, and the CDC website were great sources for antidotes and famous cases where poisons were used.
• Quackery is a fantastic book about all the terrible things humans used to do to each other in the name of science. It covered a few of the different poisons I talked about and was where I found the story about Thomas Hicks. Its author, Dr. Kang, is a local, she lives in Omaha, NE and also writes novels.

Please message or email me if you have any questions about poisons. It's a vast and interesting topic that leads to fun conversations while ruining your internet search history.

So Many Naked Faces

I went to Walmart Sunday morning, and before you tell me how terrible of an idea that was, I know. I also tried to plan the trip to be over before the after-church-crowd descended en masse.

Now that I'm vaccinated and cases have dropped in my area, I'm trying to make an effort to actually shop for my necessities instead of doing pickup... which is exactly how I came home with a package of mint Milanos (they are WAY better than the dark chocolate ones, oddly enough) but I digress.

In the 35-ish minutes I was in Walmart, I saw maybe a dozen masks, not counting employees or the one on my own face. Naked faces everywhere I looked. It made me uncomfortable. I understand, vaccine rates for people 16+ is over 60% and the mask mandate expired a week ago in Lincoln, people want to get back to normal.

But how did they do it so quickly? After a year of hiding in my apartment, masking up everywhere, and being extra vigilant about washing my hands, how did nearly everybody in a Lincoln Walmart on a Sunday morning appear as if the last year didn't happen? That we time hopped from January 2020 straight to May 2021?

Maybe their need to return to pre-Covid life overruled their worry about getting sick. Maybe their trust in the vaccine is unshakeable. Maybe they just don't give a damn and haven't since the beginning, they were just biding their time until the evil (science-trusting) mayor released us from masks.

Whatever their reasoning, it has made me wonder, how do I move on from pandemic days? In my mind, the pandemic is still happening and won't be over until the WHO says it is.

That doesn't mean I'm still locking myself away behind a moat of fear and hand sanitizer. I am going out and doing things, seeing select friends and family. But I am still trying to avoid large crowds, wearing my mask, and limiting my contact with strangers.

That nagging fear in the back of my mind remains.

I have shit luck (ask anybody anything about my car) and while virus breakthrough is hella rare with the Covid vaccine, it still exists. Plus, the variants are still out there and we don't completely know how effective the current vaccines are against those. Covid tends to hit harder the second time around and I really don't want to find myself on the wrong end of that metaphorical barrel because I needed to pretend that everything was back to "normal."

There is no "normal" anymore.

Maybe I should just chalk it all up to anxiety, take an extra dose of CBD oil, and get back to pre-Covid life.

I guess that brings up the real question: do I want to?

She just said merkin... in front of Judy Blume

This morning, I impulse-bought a ticket to a virtual book tour event for one of my favorite authors, Jenny Lawson. Her new book, Broken (In the Best Possible Way) just came out and in the age of Covid, virtual tours have become a thing. 

Picture from thebloggess.com.

Now you don't have to travel to the nearest bookshop they're visiting, wait in line, be awkward in a crowd, sit on uncomfortable chairs, and try to not trip in front of your idol. Instead, you can pay for your ticket (it included a signed copy of the book plus shipping) from the comfort of your desk and enjoy hearing your favorite authors speak in your underwear. (I mean, you'll be in your underwear, not that your favorite author will be wearing your underwear. Maybe they will, I don't know your life.)

Ain't technology great?

Anyway, I wish I had been paying attention to all of the newsletters and blog alerts I get because Jenny Lawson had events with nerd queen Felicia Day and the Neil Gaiman last week which would've been amazing to attend. But that's ok because today's event was hosted by none other than Judy Blume. I'm sure I read some of Blume's books (probably the Fudge books if any) but I don't really remember. This fact was not going to stop me from attending an event with the legend herself.

If you haven't read any of Lawson's books or her blog (The Bloggess), she spends a lot of time talking about her struggles with mental and physical illnesses such as depression, extreme anxiety, rheumatoid arthritis, and auto-immune disorders... but in a funny way. It sounds like a strange combo, but it works. She started as a blogger and quickly found a community of people who were going through the same things she was and within this community, began to take over the world.

Not literally but I feel like she wouldn't do any worse than what's going on right now. Plus, there would be far more taxidermy animals around.

Picture from thebloggess.com.
Yes, that is a little mouse Hamlet with
a tiny mouse Yorick skull in his hand.

Not that I'm all gungho about taxidermy animals. They smell funky and are more than a little creepy. (I spent 9 years working in a store full of them with four massive mule deer watching me everyday, I get to say that.)

My friend, Jen, recommended Let's Pretend this Never Happened to me years ago and it was one of the funniest things I had ever read. In it, Lawson talks about growing up in rural Texas with her taxidermist father who liked to collect wild animals (both living and dead), trying to explain the insanity that is her family to her straight-laced future husband, and the struggles and joys of finally bringing her daughter into the world.

When I stumbled upon Lawson's second book, Furiously Happy, (which focuses on Lawson's struggles with mental illness and her mission to live 'furiously happy') by accident at a local bookstore, I bought it immediately and have been hooked ever since.

Picture from thebloggess.com.

I routinely listen to both of these audio books on Overdrive, especially when I'm having a bad day or if I am feeling exceptionally anxious. 

I love them. Everybody should read them. Tangent over. Back to the event. 

Top row (L to R): Muffy (ASL translator) & Judy Blume
Bottom row: Jenny Lawson

Judy Blume was the moderator and asked Lawson all the normal questions about the book and even went in-depth about some of the chapters. It was great to see how excited Blume was to talk about a book she obviously enjoyed, and Lawson was so excited to be there with someone she has idolized since she was a kid.

Lawson read a chapter from Broken about the awkward things people do, she included a wide range of examples that people had tweeted at her such as pulling chapstick out of their purse and applying it in front of a bunch of people only to realize it was actually a tampon or asking a friend how their dad was doing... while at said dad's funeral.

Lawson has such a refreshing way of looking at the world, that it's ugly and terrible while also being wonderful and beautiful. That you might feel alone but there are actually hundreds, if not thousands, of people who are going through the same terrible thing as you and they'd love to hug you (from a distance, no touching without permission and a negative Covid test).

She's also a potty-mouth which makes me giggle.

(She has an adult coloring book called You Are Here that I totally recommend, not safe for work)

Picture from thebloggess.com.

And circling back up to the title, (you thought I forgot, didn't you? Or you thought I was just going to leave you hanging. For shame.) Lawson was talking about hairband extensions you can get online to make thin hair look fuller, she then pulled one out and put it on her head to show us. I'm not 100% sure how we got there, but she listed other possible uses for it, including as a merkin... in front of Judy Blume.

I feel bad for the ASL translator. Do you think there's a sign for merkin?

Cloudy Day Thoughts: Yurt Edition

The last few days have been cloudy and rainy and I have been enjoying them from the comfort of my apartment... pretty much the same way I've been spending 99% of my days for the last year. It kind of took me back to the two days I spent in a yurt last October.

My friend Jen messaged me last September with a post from the Dancing Crane Writing Center saying they were offering a free night's stay in their yurt to any author in exchange for a copy of their book. One of my old coworkers had a yurt that we gathered at a few times and I always threatened that I was going to break in and never leave, I loved it that much. So, when I heard about the deal from Dancing Crane, I thought about it for about 30 seconds before messaging them to find out what I needed to do to stay there.

They told me to go on their Airbnb page, find what days they were free that I wanted and to let them know. I picked a Wednesday-Thursday in October because it was far enough away that I could get stuff settled at work and I could attended a Central Nebraska Writers Group meeting in person for the first time since I moved to Lincoln.

After having lunch with Puffy and seeing a couple of friends that I've missed, I headed to Gibbon to get checked into the yurt I'd be staying in for the next 24 hours. It was south of Gibbon, across two branches of the Platte River, and buried back in a copse of trees, protected from the road in the host's backyard. The owner, Terry, had messaged me that she had to run to Kearney but the yurt was open and I could make myself at home. 

Don't mind if I do.

After pulling into the yard, seeing a house, and being terrified I was in the wrong place and just chilling in a stranger's driveway, I found the yurt behind the garage, parked, and strolled into the round tent that I soon wanted to be my permanent home rather than just a passing lodging.

Interior of the yurt

Even though it was a cold, cloudy, and drizzly fall day, the pellet stove kept the yurt nice and toasty. I set up at the table next to the window and worked on a couple of Monster Shorts while staring out the window and enjoying the calm. This was the first time I had spent the night away from my apartment, alone, all year and it did wonders for my peace of mind.

View off the back porch

I spent a few hours working, drove into Kearney for the writers group meet, hung out with Puffy for a bit and then went back to the yurt to crash. I woke up early the next morning to work some more, enjoying some hot tea and crackers that were there for guests. 

All the while, wishing I had booked a second night at the yurt. Before I even left, I promised myself that I would be back to spend a couple of nights when I had the opportunity.

For any who don't know, Gibbon is right in the migration path of Sandhill Cranes and millions stop in the area every spring for mating before moving on. Terry said she had built the yurt in the fall of 2019 to be ready for the crane season of 2020, only to have the pandemic bring it to a screeching halt before it really got going.

Crane poster

 If you're looking for a nice quiet place to spend some time with nature in the Kearney area, I 100% recommend the Dancing Crane Writing Center. 

Find their Airbnb page here. They also have a Facebook page.

Bathroom and cool barn door

Bed and wardrobe

Desk and map

Close-up: Nebraska Literary Map

Pellet stove

Super cool chair and ottoman

Door to the porch with cool curtain. Got some Jr High vibes from it.
Anybody else have a beaded curtain when you were younger?

Kitchen area hutch


Kitchen area sink and island

Awesome front door

Seating area in the center of the yurt

Crane picture and mobile

Crane tapestry

Prayer to Saint Veronica next to the door

Terry said during migration season, this whole field is full of cranes